AT LAST, AN EXPLANATION FOR MY CHILDHOOD INJURY

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

Ball Game

Focus on the Family, Concerned Women for America and the Georgia Family Council are all just gnawing on their Bibles with outrage as they endeavor to stop the financial bid by medioctopus Liberty Media to buy the Atlanta Braves. They oppose the deal because Liberty owns On Command, a company that provides in-room hotel/motel porn movies to lonely male or female lodgers or anyone else with time on their hands and a credit card.

Oddly, this Coalition of the Deeply Offended and others who are protesting this deal seem oblivious, or at least indifferent, to the fact that the Braves are currently owned by Time Warner, an outfit that also offers adult fare (i.e. fuckflix) over its cable TV service.

Nor, now that we think on it, are they troubled that pro ballplayers are, demographically, one of the major revenue sources for the hotel porn business.

It's only a matter of time before the obvious graphic sexual symbolism of the hotdog dawns on them. Honey, there's a bit of mustard right there in the corner of your mouth. Yeahhh. That's got it.

The story, should it interest any of you sick bastards, is by AP's Charles Odum at http://www.forbes.com/entrepreneurs/feeds/ap/2006/07/14/ap2880353.html

Welcome to EBay

Oakland Athletics tickets have a bar code at the right end. That means that entrance to the ballpark is gained not by the mutilation of the ticket or by the confiscation of the ticket but by its being read by a handheld device.

That means that my ticket for today's game for seat five in row 13 of section 209 in the second level -- a seat well toward right field, which means it offered a panoramic view of Barry Bonds 714th home run today -- is intact and available for purchase.

And here's some texture to give you a sense of what was happening in row 13, section 209.
As Bonds rounded the bases, first I booed and then I chanted "Babe Ruth, Babe Ruth," and when he came out for a curtain call I waved my ticket over my head and said, "EBay, Ebay!"

The ticket is also worth five dollars off a full-size Round Table pizza (single topping) if redeemed during the next seven days, but I think I can do better than that. All bids should be accompanied by a certified check for ten percent of your total bid as well as a 250-word essay explaining why you should be chosen in the case identical bids are submitted.

All decisions of the judges are final. Offered not valid in South Dakota, the District of Columbia or the Western Provinces of Canada.

Willy (Say Hey) Shakespeare

If famous writers were famous baseball players, what positions would they play? Theodore Dreiser would be a DH: great writer, terrible stylist. William Faulker would be a knuckleball pitcher, I think, though I'm willing to argue that one.

These thoughts come because I am thinking about an earlier comment I made on the power of statisics to deepen one's pleasure in baseball. That made me think of Faulkner because what he said (I think) of Southerners and their history: "The past is not dead. It's not even past."

Same for baseball.

BUTTS IN THE SEATS BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY

This may be a gimmick the Giants might want to consider while waiting for Bonds to drop the other shoe...


CURVE TO HOLD FRIVOLOUS LAWSUIT NIGHT JULY 2nd AT BCB

May 15, 2006 -


ALTOONA- Inspired by a Los Angeles Angels fan who filed a lawsuit against the club because he did not receive a red nylon tote bag as part of the major league club's Mother’s Day promotion last May, the Altoona Curve have announced that they will be holding Salute to Frivolous Lawsuit Night as part of their Sunday, July 2nd game at Blair County Ballpark.

The Curve’s salute to all ridiculous lawsuits ever filed will include the following:

# A Pink Tote Bag Giveaway to the first 137 men in attendance ages 18 and over
# The first 137 women 18 and over will receive lukewarm coffee so they will not burn themselves
# The first 137 kids will be given a beach ball with a warning not to ingest it
# Angels merchandise and novelty items given away throughout the game
# Honoring some of history's "Most Frivolous Lawsuits" during the game
# A grand prize drawing in which one fan will receive a “clue” and their own frivolous lawsuit.

Additional details will be announced later

“We realize that these giveaways as part of our Salute to Frivolous Lawsuit Night are fairly stupid and serve no real purpose,” said Curve General Manager Todd Parnell. “But if our fans don’t like them, then they can sue us!”

Curve President and Managing Partner Chuck Greenberg, himself a practicing corporate and sports attorney, declined to comment on his club’s promotion because of concerns that his comments could lead to a frivolous lawsuit.

A MAN OF GOD SAYS "RENDER UNTO BARRY..."

The following is a verbatim lift from The Bemusement Park, a blog by Mark Hasty, a midwestern protestant minister and Big 10 devotee who is entertaining and likable despite either of those qualities. I recommend taking a look now and then. In this case, he makes a point regarding the Bonds v. Ruth roil-a-thon that is remarkable both for it's originality and perceptiveness:

"I’m sure I’m alone in this, but I am so anxious for Barry Bonds to pass Babe Ruth. I simply refuse to believe that the vaunted Babe wouldn’t have done steroids if they’d been available. I wouldn’t want Bonds as my next-door neighbor, but his perpetual under-the-bussing is growing tedious. One of the reasons I hate baseball is precisely because I’m always being told that I’m 50 years too young to have seen its best player. If baseball can’t be as good as it was then, why care about it now?"

For Those Who in Their Minds Want to Picture the Magnificent Balco Cup in Their Possession

A handsome photo here.

And two more here.

No, Fuck You

Now begins my most favorite league activity, that is, when I unilaterally subsitute really good players from your backups for really bad players at which point some of you (but not all of you) turn purple with rage and I yell, "Barney, Barney!" and enjoy it very much.

I pulled A.J. Burnett from Jeffrey's rotation and put in Robertson (the Detroit one) and that's why Jeffrey is now ahead of me. I understand that many of you -- like the Wife of Bath -- prize sovereignty above all else, and when it comes to players that are only marginally better or, at the end of the season, when you are betting on who will have the best September, I agree. But if one player is strikingly and indisputably superior I will, at least till August 1, make the substitution so that each morning -- or once a week or on certain Catholic feast days or whenever you look at the standings -- you will be looking at an approximation of what they actually are.

Also, my presumptuous actions should prepare you for some yet another marker of the BCL's Reich I. If anyone decided to sandbag to keep a hated rival from winning, I would not allow it! Think back to the darkest days of the Koppy era, when -- if the moral baseline on which society based its activities was the Satriale Pork Store -- Michael Koppy would have been floating face down in some convenient body of water. Some league member could have figured that if he pulled his five best players and put in five backups, that action could have swung the final standings against Koppy.

That would have been a little too much real-world. So the BCL will continue to make some moves. On August 1 if you don't like them I will take them back. But if anyone tries anything funny on September 1 when rosters are set:

Barney, bar the door.

Why is Moore Ahead?

This is just one of a series of "think pieces" done by the BCL on the principle that journalism is the "first draft of history." Events will prove or disprove the wisdom of my comments. But the BCL is no slave to wisdom!

First, the hitting side: I think we will all agree that Peter seems to have gotten very very lucky in drafting Casey Blake, who is hitting nearly .400. Who woulda thunk it? Nobody. Not, I'm guessing, even Peter. Next we have his drafting of Victor Martinez. Everyone in the blue world said Martinez was by far the best catcher. Only Peter had the man-sized balls, the massive testosterone-crammed globes, to pay the price for the best. Here is not luck but courage. And finally we have Jim Thome, he of the 12 dingers. If Thome is healthy he will hit: end of story. Peter's drafting of him represents a third category: faith. No question about the ability, just about the power of the flesh to endure.

Second, pitching side. What one is struck by most is the fact that even without the momentarily inconvenienced Rich Harden, Peter continues to do well because he picked some classic workhorse types -- Millwood, Bonderman, Moyer -- who are going to go out there and give you something, some K's in the case of losses, some innings (and therefore wins) even if the K's aren't there and the ERA is not stellar. He has created a foundation, either for excellence or for, at minimum, adequacy And then he paid far too much for Papelbon who has done far more so far than he should, meaning that Peter did not pay far too much at all.

You know sometimes it seems that Peter is just pulling his draft picks out of his ass. But this time around -- with the exception of Blake -- it would seem he had carefully filed his deceptively shit-flecked strategy away there beforehand.

Kudos. Hats off to Peter.

Next week: The Persecution and Assassination of Bradley X. Swift as Performed by the Team Drafted by Him Now Resident at the Asylum of Last Place Under the Direction of the Marquis de BCL

Peter Moore: Pissing, Moaning, Leading

It's somewhat early in the season to extrapolate who will win one of the league's handsome cash prizes, much less predict who will win the magnificent Balco Cup. Though Peter is currently without the services of Rich Harden, the BCL won the first of his four Big Firsts back in 1986 with Jimmy Key of the Torontos as his ace -- and down Key went on the actual day of the draft. Key losses are often balanced by multiple surprises, so though Peter is guaranteed nothing, events have not denied him anything either. Teams are still having ten point swings following an exceptionally good or bad day.

Move on. Nothing to see.

But one cannot help noticing that Swifty and Big Chi Chi really are way back there. Is it possible that eight are in it and that two are pretty certainly out of it? Really hard to say anything about those two teams because the BCL has misplaced the list of backups, so who knows what prodigies are stuck on the bench for these two stragglers. Can say this though: Swifty has Johan Santana, who -- if he follows form -- will get better and better and probably not lose a game the last three months of the season. Also, Bartolo Colon, he of the "inflamed shoulder," is expected back shortly. Swifty will rise. He needs to make up almost 50 points. I'm not counting him out, and -- like Mikey in the cereal ad -- I hate everything.

Now what about Big Cheech? I am less optimistic about his cashing a check. Having lost his Fantasy Cherry, I think he's said a sad but final farewell to his fifty bucks. His Yankee hitters all look good. Why did no one try this before. But I think the Brian Anderson phenom can safely be kicked around the square as often and as hard as we like: In short, he's a dud. And Casey Fossum at Tampa Bay?

No no no. But Lugo is ready to come off the DL. And I don't know who Big Cheech has on his bench, and that can make a considerable difference because we've got some hitters in the stratosphere who can only tumble. So I won't write BC off yet.

A note: Click on Standings by Date to see where everyone was on draft day. (The BCL is able to adjust this setting and will.) Jeffrey had made a nice move the first two weeks. Tola, too. Peter has deniability if he doesn't go wire to wire, but I would not bet a nickel against him.

Snake Swallows Bunnies

I can't believe I'm the first guy in the league -- and to our shame we are all guys (though are we all manly in our guyness?[even the experts disagree]) -- to choose Snakes in a Plane as a team name. Can't say it's helped the team much, but there's a natural "reorientation shock" not unlike how you must feel after "sexual reassignment" surgery so I expect to start some serious slithering soon.

Brother Swift has turned to the Marfa Dogs. My understanding is that it's a sparkling movie short about dogs in the town of Marfa, which is Texas.

The Snakes will bite the Dogs on the butt.

Hiss.......

The BCL Gets Serious

The BCL is not bilingual; his simul-lingual, meaning sometimes he seems to be speaking English and Irony at the same time. But now I'm serious. I would -- probably will -- despise it when Barry Bonds passes Hank Aaron in career home runs because I am old enough and Southern enough and liberal enough to admire how Hank Aaron handled the passing of Ruth amidst the hate and derision. I'm still looking for a reason to admire Barry Bonds for anything.

That said, I am eager for him to pass Babe Ruth so the penumbra of racism around Bonds and the home run record will be at least a trifle dissipated. I don't know if anyone other than Junior Nazis for Bush -- can't be more than 35 million of those -- care about/have noticed that it's another Whitey going down down down when Bonds gets 715. Bonds seems to think it's an issue, or he chooses to appear to think so to divert attention from his own faults and flaws.

I want to see the Ruth/white boy congery off the table so we can focus all our attention on more important things: Bonds is a boor, Aaron is really a bit of a hero and even though who holds certain records can't matter much it does matter some. But not because of a fat white man. You're thinking of Christmas.

Methinks the Wieder Doth Protest Too Much

He stands astride the league like a Colossus (beneath Moore who stands astride the world). His voice falls on us down below like rain from a high cloud.

Tomorrow We Get Standings

And then we can have opinions on who is likely to cash checks. Hard to say anything this early. Colon has a mystery injury. Johnson was certainly hammered last time out. Halladay has a twinge in his forearm, but perhaps someone is obscuring the truth. Schilling? An animal but you have to hold your nose, politically speaking to own him.

Which I did last year. My good angel -- the one who is a member of Moveon. org. didn't seem to like it.

Why the BCL Drafted His Pitching as He Did

What do they say about generals who make the mistake of fighting the last war?

Not me.

Because last year I bought Schilling for big bucks (and he went down) and because I then tried to buy other "lightly" -- or formerly as in recently -- injured pitchers for small bucks (Lilly and Piniero/so soon so feeble feeble feeble) this year I decided to buy second tier pitchers at the going rate, thus staying away from the dangerous extremes. And that's what I did. I bought Conteras, Clement and Garcia at more or less full price, but I don't think of any of them as damaged goods.

If I'm wrong, tell me.

And I bought Sabbathia for fifty cents because he's a second/third tier pitcher and.... Of course, he's hurt. Same mistake as last year. And as all my many fans will recall I bought Kenny Rogers for $2.50, which I think is fifty cents too much, though I was reasonably certain everyone except Brad thought it was $2.25 too much.

Last year I spent six or was it seven bucks on relief pitching. This year I spent less than half that, buying all of Detroit's saves (I hope) by getting Jones and Rodney. And that sums up my pitching draft.

Whatever else my approach was, it was different.